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I apologize for the absence of updates over the last month. We have been traveling and have not had steady access to internet. However, our time has been incredible, and it's hard to believe that we have less than a week until we fly home (Natalie and I will arrive Thanksgiving day). For those of you in CO, I cannot wait to see you!
Since my last post I have:
Though we entertain a lot of differences, Lukas and I have learned that we share one (almost humorous) tendency in common:
The uncanny desire to deny our humanness.
That desire often works itself out differently in each of our lives. For instance, Lukas' desire that he never had to sleep, or that he could retain 100% of what he studies, and my distaste for my own negative emotions and resulting struggle with vulnerability. Only recently have we began to recognize it.
There is something about being here in Thailand that brings this desire to the surface and leaves it exposed. Perhaps because, unlike any other environment I've been in, it makes me shockingly aware of my humanness. It's humbling to realize that no matter how deeply you desire to build authentic relationships, you can't do it without risking vulnerability. Living in healthy community brings your humanity to the forefront. No matter how strong your defenses, you end up face-to-face with your Kryptonite, and the double life suddenly becomes utterly exhausting. There is no time for costume changes. It becomes insufficient. You're either wholly human or wholly super-human. And at times, I really struggle with that realization. I feel like a lot of people do.
What are we so afraid of?
Why is the idea of being "simply human" so difficult to accept?
Bright cocoa-colored eyes.
A shy, sincere smile.
Cool earth on worn hands.
Laughter that pierces the afternoon still.
Precious heads asleep on weary shoulders.
Tough, gray skin, heavy steps.
Warm rain on sticky skin.
Tiny embraces, long embraces.
Cable flights through the rain forest.
A community built on bunk beds and Nutella.
"I love you's" and "Chan Rak Khun's"
Finding value in what was once deemed invaluable.
Attachment. Trials. Experience.
Depth. Humility.
Speechlessness.
This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted.
C. S. Lewis
At a total loss for how to adequately sum up our time so far in Thailand,
All I can say is that, even when we miss loved ones desperately,
God has given us an incredible part in His story here.
We are digging deep and asking the hard questions;
And we are growing, humbled, changed as we sink our toes into
What really matters in this life.
The last half of Thailand:
"Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."
1 John 3: 18-20
There is something divinely freeing in recognizing that you're not enough.
In realizing your smallness; in being at peace with brokenness...in accepting that every breath is not an entitlement, but a gift. As we learn what it means to pause in this place - to have grace with crazy traffic, patience with food that doesn't typically come to your table all at the same time (or in a hasty manner) - as we throw ourselves in the struggle of dwelling in a culture that is a world away from what we know and a language barrier that threatens to build a divide between our team and people we have come to live life with - we stand in awe of our sheer insufficiency.
Several months ago, a friend told me about a pastor who spoke on the truth in scripture that "God is love". During a personal bible study, he decided to take the famous passage in 1 Corinthians 13 and replace all instances of "love" with "God" (with the assumed believe that God and love are synonymous) and this was the result:
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not God, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not God, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not God, I gain nothing."
1 Corinthians 13: 1-3 ("God" replacing "love")
Though the passage obviously goes on, I remain stuck on the reality that without God in everything I do here in Thailand (and back home), I am nothing, I gain nothing, and I am nothing more than resounding gong, a clanging cymbal.
No matter how desperately I strive to love the girls at the orphanage, my love will fail them.
No matter how earnestly I strive to attain self-perfection and growth, my will power will prove inadequate.
And no matter how much heart I put into being a light in this dark place, my light will go out.
I can put on a really convincing show, but behind the extravagance of a perfectly orchestrated performance remains a lone cymbal, clanging for deaf ears. Nothing.
I am not enough without the love of God indwelling me. Realizing this is, for lack of a better word, is deeply humbling. And on that truth alone, my pride threatens to condemn my heart for it's inadequacies. Thankfully, the passage goes on:
"God is patient, God is kind. He does not envy, He does not boast, He is not proud. God is not rude, He is not self-seeking, He is not easily angered, He keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. God never fails."
1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 ("God" replacing "love")
Even when I am faced with the sheer immenseness of my smallness, and even when I feel as if I am destined for failure by my own will and strength alone, I'm learning what it means to set my heart at rest in his presence whenever my heart condemns me. I am learning what it means to trust that God is greater than my heart, that He knows everything - all my hopes, all my desires, all my intentions and my shortcomings, all of my humanness and brokenness - and that, even in the moments that I fear I've completely failed Him, He will never fail me. He will never tire of loving me. He will never grow weary of making His strength perfect in my weakness. And He will never forfeit His desire to indwell me and make me a vessel of His life-giving love, no matter how many times I try to take the credit for myself. And in the moments that I realize the insufficiency of being a clanging cymbal, in putting on a performance that is not my own, He meets me there, and grants me a role in His symphony - the chance to be part of His story, the chance to play a role uniquely mine, yet perfectly orchestrated to radiate His love and beauty. He always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Even in my failings, He never fails.
Wanna watch a sweet vid?
Kelli took the time to compile a fun slideshow of our first couple weeks here in Thailand. Click above ("sweet vid") or click here to watch the video on her blog. She's great :)
Two things I have disliked since arriving in Thailand:
1. Eating bamboo. Worthwhile experience, but not something I'd ever crave on a daily basis (haha).
2. Supersized bugs. Reaching up when the powers out to find a big beetle chillin' on your head? Not on my top ten list of favorite surprises, haha.
Two things I have LOVED since arriving in Thailand:
1. The food and the cooking staff at BHJ. They go out of their way to feed us the tastiest meals ever. Eating homemade "mom meals" every day brings us comfort in an otherwise very foreign place.
2. Our team. Not only is everyone on the team absolutely amazing, but there is no shortage of encouragement and hilarious stories, either. From Sarah W getting attacked by a gecko as she tried to get it out of our room, to Courtney washing stray puppies in the water spickets with dish soap, to Natalie stating that her next boyfriend needs to be able to defend her against a bear - there is rarely a moment short on laughter.
On Monday, we leave the orphanage to spend the week in a hostel in Chiang Mai. I will try to post another update soon. Thank you all so much for your loving support and encouragement! We depend upon your prayers (seriously). Love you!
"Our greatest fear should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."
Francis Chan
